…a pinhole look into the life of one not-so-ordinary girl.
it’s march fifteenth and i haven’t posted anything for five days. i don’t know about you, but my life is flying by faster than i even realize and that is a big issue for me.
i have a bone to pick with you, adulthood. you need to slow it down a notch or else!
almost ten since derrick and i met.
almost nine since we got married.
just over eight since we had blaise.
over six since we went to school in charlotte.
five since we went to england and conceived posie (haha).
over four since we had posie.
three since we moved from nc to sc.
three since derrick started working at kudu coffee and craft beer (instagram: @kuduchs).
two years since we discovered blaise’s chiari one malformation and syringomyelia.
one year and eight months since blaise had chiari decompression surgery.
one and a half years since we moved from the suburbs to downtown.
one year and two months since i found out i was pregnant with hesper.
just over a year since derrick turned thirty.
and almost six months since hesper was born.
i feel as though for every major event in my life that has the potential to drown me (major surgery on my six year old child’s brain, childbirth and newborn stages of my first two kids) i start living underwater. not drowning, but not hearing the world around me properly or seeing it clearly. i can move and go on, my head comes above water for air every time i absolutely need it, but then i go back under.
it takes me a while to swim back to shore; back to my life and my feeling like i’m living it fully, and completely presently, and intentionally.
except this time with hesper. she has been an extremely difficult baby to care for. apart from the dairy and soy issues, (which means i haven’t had dairy since she was eight weeks old — and have cut out soy for four weeks now — which is much harder than dairy!) she has had a sinus infection five times since she was born. that’s once a month for five and a half months. it takes at least a couple weeks to really set in and finally disappear. that’s right folks, about every two to three weeks she developed sinus drainage/congestion that leads to infection.
but despite all of this, i’ve remained happy, functional, cute (if i do say so), strong, hopeful, and at peace. this is a milestone for me. a milestone. while hesper is growing and becoming less and less needy; less and less desperate for me to hold her most of the time, i am growing up too. i am becoming less and less nervous of what is around the corner. that i can handle this baby, my other two, the house, the schedule, keep up with friends and family, dress cute (it’s important to me — makes me feel good) and have something left for derrick once he gets home from work.
i used to doubt myself so often. i used to think i couldn’t do it. i’ve grown up. i realize only now just how very much.
i’ve got a handle on my emotions like never before. i am learning to function as my best self and to be transparent with my kids (as far as is appropriate for their age) so that they grow up only with their own (hopefully minimal!) individual, inevitable insecurities and character flaws and not with mine added upon theirs.
how have you grown up?