…a pinhole look into the life of one not-so-ordinary girl.
“There is the ‘you’ that people see and then there is the ‘rest of you’. Take some time and craft a picture of the ‘rest of you’. This could be a drawing, in words, even a song. Just remember that the chances are good it will be full of paradox and contradictions.”
– Brennan Manning
Lately, I’ve been thinking about my expectations: of people; my relationships; my future; my habits; my ideas; my dreams. I’ve been thinking about how I tend to lose sight of the very tiny steps in the process of my best intentions and expectations for these aspects of me.
— Was that clear?
What I mean is: I have an idea of how to get where I’m going, in most any form in my life, and I (either out of impatience, laziness, or sheer busy-ness) try to skip steps (most small, still important). This leaves one conclusion.
I must think very highly of myself. I must assume that I don’t have to put as much work into the aspects of my life that I want to look different. I can pick and choose, at will and whim, what steps I may take, which I may skip, which I may rush through, and still get the same result as those who are diligently trudging through and living through what comes with conscious hearts and present minds. Deciding through it all, “This is part of the process. This will help me get from A to B.”
Or even, “I am not sure what this is for. I will do my best, I will make it through, and no matter what I’ll be a better person if I handle it this way instead of that. Because handling it that way will only bring about that result, and that result wouldn’t be a good addition to the ‘me’ I am growing.”
Don’t kid yourself: you are always changing. I am not being some uber-freak who attaches spiritual meaning and connotations to everything that moves within my sense or sight (or within the sense/sight of those around me). Ask anyone who knows me. I take great precautions to call the natural world, the natural world. All of us, every last one, change all the time. It’s just hard to realize because most of us don’t write down most of our thoughts and feelings, nor do we record our words in those unguarded moments with friends. Those are the times when we can really tell how we’ve changed.
So I’ve been searching and marking myself. I’ve been trying to remind myself to consciously choose my steps. To look ahead and remember where I’m going; what sort of person I’m growing into, and to choose those tiny steps to get there. Every day.